Wednesday, October 21, 2015

office appropiate

I hope you've all had a wonderful week so far! Ours has been busy with B in the thick of his Internal Medicine rotation in the wards. I remember thinking when he was in the S-ICU that I thought it was going to be the toughest rotation because of those awful 28- hour- shifts. But at the time I didn't realize that it was a huge plus that he was able to see our boys more often after he returned from call. Whereas during this rotation he'll go huge stretches of  days without seeing them because he leaves before they wake up and returns when they're fast asleep. It goes to show how there was a huge positive to those moments but I failed to see them because I was stuck on the negative part. Definitely noted. 

Today's post is kind of a two-for-one because I wanted to share a little bit about my experience of becoming a mother and work. I think it's appropriate for me to chat about this after sharing B's current schedule. When I decided to quit pursuing my dual-degree in Public Policy Leadership and Law, it was because we were living in separate states as a married couple and it proved to be very difficult for us. Writing it out even seems like ages ago! I decided to postpone it in order to move to Milwaukee to be with B and support him through a really tough first year of medical school and also start a family.

I found a position working in Pediatric Genetic clinical trials and I always had the possibility of returning to complete my profession in the back of my mind. Months went by and I was expecting our sweet Gabriel! We were more than thrilled and as a couple who first didn't want any children in order to pursue our professions our hearts completely changed. By the time I was on maternity leave I had all of the intentions in returning, however, after looking at daycare's and home-care possibilities we were not okay with our options. At that point, I decided to quit and become a stay-at-home mother. It also helped to quit because I did not have paid leave. Instead, while I worked I had to accrue enough days to use for my maternity leave plus the 4 weeks that are given for disability. These 4 weeks were not enough time for me to spend with Gabriel as a new mom. I was truly torn for quite some time but it made sense to me in the end. Had I been given a year to spend with him I know that my decision would have been different. Or at least I would have felt I had enough time to go back at half-time.

It's really hard being a mother and having a career outside of it. As women we have to choose one or the other. And if we choose both we inevitably miss out on so many moments with out little one's that we can never get back. I couldn't reconcile that. Add to that the immense guilt of having to sacrifice time made it even more heartbreaking for me. Men do not have to choose this. They can simply choose work over their children and have no qualms about their choice. Not only is that a part of gender inequality in our country but a bigger societal gap. Please do not mistake my meaning. I am grateful to be home with our boys and I find great joy in being a stay-at-home- mother. However, I do not compare the two. They are two different worlds for me. Regardless of whether or not I pursue my profession I will always be a mother. I think that's what is often missing in our dialogues about working mom's. Motherhood takes up every aspect of our beings while work is only a fraction of it.

In my experience, I do not want to work from home nor do I want to own my own business. These are simply not my strengths. Though, I blog and have a campaign from time to time this is not my hearts' passion (but it is a lot of fun!). My passion lays in helping change policies, working with those that do not have access to legal support and making change at the grassroots level. This is something that I have not been able to evade regardless of how many projects I become involved with. I've been able to identify that just recently and being able to do so has helped me find perspective with everything we are experiencing right now. I chose to postpone my career to stay at home with our boys while they are little. Also, because B is so intensely involved in his own training helps me understand how helpful it is for me to be home as well!

This doesn't mean that I am living in some future where I am done with schooling and working where I think I should be. I do not know what the future holds. This means that I am living in these precious moments with our boys knowing that this was the better choice for  them and for us. I would be remiss if I didn't share this part of me with you all because I know I have a lot of mother reader's who are perhaps in the same situation. Having plans and or ambitions to pursue our professional goals does not mean that we are not happy where we are right now in life. To me it means that while I wait for plans to unfold organically I will live every moment with intention and faith that I am exactly where I should be in this season of life. I've learned a great deal about myself, life, marriage and our strong family throughout all of these unexpected changes. That is a lesson that I know I would have never experienced had I chosen otherwise.







Black Vest : Shop Lizzibeth | Similar, Similar | Olive pants : Target | Polka dot button-down (perfect fro breastfeeding) : Express

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